Wednesday, June 25, 2008

"It"

I go home nightly convinced what we did was crap. It is a rare occasion indeed when I review the previous dinner service and feel proud. I am honestly surprised when people actually enjoy what I serve them and I spend my waking hours trying to make something of which I would be proud. I think my problem is that I have grown bored of my food and the way I see is if I'm bored then the guest must be tiring of it also. For the past few months I have been trying to break out of my current mode of cooking and into something else. I see it in my head, what I want to do, but am struggling to make it come to life on the plate. The current menu has little of what I would consider what I want to do. There may be a glimpse every now and again but nothing concrete. A few posts ago I was trying to come up with a new duck dish and went through the process with you until I came up with what I wanted. Well, for me right now this is how my entire mode of cooking is going. There is in my head a dish. One dish that represents where I want to go with my food but I can't translate it. I don't even know what "it" is. I believe "it" is a new level for me. "It" is that step closer to what my soul wants to cook. "It" is an evolution in my food that becomes more authentic. There is a boundary I need to break through that lets me go to a new level of cooking that is not so contrite. Not so ordinary. And I find that I fight myself when I try to go over the boundary. I think what I am lacking most of all is the confidence to just let myself create with out fear. I don't just allow a dish to form itself. I spend entirely to much time trying to make it do what I want it to. I spend to much time putting to many constrictions on it. I have set to many rules up on what makes a proper dish and I need to break those rules and allow it to become what it wants to. I'll let you in on something. You know what that dish is that I see as that which represents that evolutionary step in my cooking? It's a dish of carrots. Different types of carrots all cooked differently but comprising a dish. This dish is an appetizer. That's it, a plate of carrots. The boundary I need to break through is the thought that this dish is not a proper dish, that it needs something to make it a proper appetizer. I know it doesn't but I don't have the confidence in my cooking to let it be.

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