Saturday, December 22, 2007
I need to share with you just small bit of what I deal with on a daily basis at my place of employment. The names have been left out to protect the stupid. If my last year and a half working in this restaurant is a seven course meal the following would be the amuse-gueule. 1) Tuesday night. Ms. X("chef"/owners mom) spoke to "Chef" Y("chef'/owner) earlier that day about him working Tuesday evening because she didn't want to. Now, I can't say I blame her. She is here 6 days a week for both shifts. For a 72 year old woman, she works her ass off. OK, so "Chef"Y comes in at 5:00pm to do his shift(which, if truth be told, would have ended about 6:30 because to be frank, he just isn't capable of working 8 hours). Around 6:00ish Ms. X comes in, probably because she wasn't sure dumb shit would really be there. Now we have both "Chef" Y and Ms. X in, and god forbid that happens. So, being the giant shit head "Chef" Y is, he says to Ms. X, "I'll flip ya to see who goes home." OK, to remind the class one more time, Ms. X works an average of 40 plus hours a week(and she IS 72 years old) and our beloved "chef", and this is no exaggeration, works no more than 24 hours a week, and this is a 6 day work week. Yes, that's about 4 hours per day. So back to the story, Chef Y flips Ms. X and "Chef" Y wins. So what does O Wondrous One do? No, he doesn't say, "You know Ms. X, take the night off because I know you don't want to work and I never work." Oh no, this isn't what happened. Mr. Poopy Pants packs his shit up and leaves, all the while bragging to us how he won the flip and "fairs fair". Can you f*$%ing believe that!!! How does he look at himself in the mirror each morning?! The next two accounts deal with the genius of a "chef" I work under. 2) Potato cookery. I believe every beginning cook has the task of making the potatoes. Why? Good question. Because potatoes are a BASIC F*%$ING OPERATION!!!!! IT DOESN'T TAKE A GODDAMN GENIUS TO MAKE THEM!!!!! Sorry...I lost control. Chef Y decides he will make some gratin Dauphinois for service last night. Apparently at the Culinary Institute of America gratin Dauphinois is made without salt and only cooked half way. I tell Mr. CIA this morning that I couldn't use said potatoes because they were not cooked enough. "Not enough?" He questions. And of course he couldn't understand. He cooked them for 45 min on 350(for the newbies, that's just long enough to get the custard hot) and turned off the oven and then let them sit in the cooling oven for a couple hours(that's OK, get an aspirin, it helps) They should have cooked up. You know, carry over cooking. Just shoot me in the head. Hey, I have an idea. HOW ABOUT YOU CHECK THEM TO SEE IF THEY ARE DONE!!!! Sorry again. And why no salt you ask? Well apparently in Italy the best chefs substitute Parmesan cheese for salt. Really? Do I look that stupid? It's OK, you can tell me. Do I? 3)Gnocchi. Now, I believe the word "gnocchi" in Italian means little pillows. Don't quote me, but I pretty sure that's right. I guess the word "little" means as big as f*%$ing soft balls in "Chef" Y's family. A seven year old could make a better gnocchi than our "chef". Salt the water the potatoes are cooked in? Please....don't be silly. Salt the gnocchi mix? I don't think so. How about the poaching water for the yet unsalted gnocchi? Are you MAD? I guess in Italy they don't salt gnocchi either. But I get ahead of myself. I go into the walk-in and notice the boiled potatoes on a sheet tray on a shelf and and I am compelled to ask, "'Chef' Y, why are the cooked potaotes in the walking getting cold?" Potato cookery 101, cold cooked potatoes get gummy when ran through a food mill and make shitty puree and therefore, wait for it, wait for it...that's right, MAKES A SHITTY GNOCCHI!!!! GODDAMN IT!!!! SOMEONE PLEASE KILL ME!!!! Breathe Eric, breathe. But according to our resident food scientist, by putting the potatoes in the walk-in it causes them to evaporate any excess water. I'll say this again just in case you didn't get it. The walk-in can be used as an evaporator. It makes my head hurt. Never in my life have I tasted a more disgusting gnocchi. If I were to poach cardboard, I would get a better tasting product. Now, these are only three separate incidents that cover a two day span of time. Just for a moment try to imagine what it is like when the time period is stretched out for months and months on end. Reality T.V. could not get any better. I am left speechless.